April 30, 1789. Our first President is sworn in and announces: “I exchanged more letters again with King George, a very fine monarch, one of the best in my opinion and I agreed with him that we were very unfair to the British in how we fought, like guerillas in a jungle. To be honest, we should have fought more like gentlemen, in the open, get mowed down like real men, even if it meant we lost. So I’m sailing for London tomorrow and we’ll talk about possibly giving some states back to him, like the ones who didn’t vote for me.”
November 19, 1863. Delivering an address at Gettysburg for the dedication of the Soldiers’ National Cemetery, the 16th President says: “I’m gonna make this brief because I don’t like cemeteries and I don’t like soldiers either. I prefer my soldiers to be alive, quite frankly. Live soldiers are the best soldiers. I also don’t like soldiers who’ve lost a limb, or even YUCK! two. Could you please just die, you guys! Or at least stay indoors! We don’t need to see you hobbling around. You know, I offered to settle this war back in the summer, just before all these people went and got themselves killed here in this dump they call Gettysville. And for no good reason! I said to Jeff Davis, a very strong traitor by the way, ‘Look, you can have your slaves, but your big cities like Richmond and Atlanta could use better places to stay. How about you hire my boys to build you some of my patented Luxury Log Cabin Inns?’ And he said no. Imagine that? But as I said, a very strong traitor. One of the strongest I think. So I told him, OK, then he could have slaves in all those god-forsaken western territories. I mean who would want to even live in a place called ‘Lost Angels’? I mean, they should stay lost as far as I’m concerned. And Jeff said no again, so I had to agree to reopen the slave trade. I think it will be good for the economy frankly, all those boats going to and from Africa. We sell them watermelons and they give us their best slaves.”
December 8, 1941. Addressing Congress in the wake of the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, our 32nd President declares, “So we lost a few ships. What’s everybody getting so excited about? Frankly, the Japs did us a favor getting rid of all those old rust buckets. I just spoke to Emperor Hirohito and he offered to pay for the damage if we agree to let him take the Philip Steens. So I had to ask my generals, ‘What the hell are the Philip Steens? Another shithole country I bet, right?’ And they said, no, the Philip Steenos are good people and we have big bases there and blah blah blah. It seems all these big macho generals are all bleeding hearts or something. So that’s the deal, they pay for new ships and we give them Philip Steens, no big loss. You know Hirohito is a great Emperor, so I invited him here for a visit. Should be fun to entertain an Emperor for a change instead of these loser prime ministers like Churchill who come and go.”
October 25, 1945. Meeting with J. Robert Oppenheimer who wants to control the atomic weapons which devastated Japan and brought an end to WWII, our 33rd President asks: “Since nobody else has them, we can just demand everybody surrender to us, right? I mean if they don’t give us what we want immediately, we’ll just WHAM!!! – bomb them back into the Stone Age! So ramp up production, Heimy, and I’ll have one of those babies for myself. Just drop it off in the White House parking lot and they can hitch it to my Cadillac.”
April 23, 2020. At a White House briefing to discuss the lethal Corona Virus sweeping the nation, our 45th President suggests that lying in the sun or injecting disinfectant like bleach could possibly end the pandemic. Almost 9 months later his brain trust will claim Jewish space lasers, Italian satellites and a dead Venezuelan dictator had stolen the election and his Vice President should pay the ultimate price…
On November 5th vote early and often so we can steal the election again. And election workers? Be sure to bring your Giuliani-style “USB Ports” on which you can load your lasers and stuff.
